What I Can Be Proud of This Year
It's been... a lot.
Ironically, I’m not someone who likes to look back if the past is still too close in the rear-view mirror. It feels too recent, like the emotions are still too fresh, so I tend to avoid it. Also, my anxiety makes me fixate on things I regret or that I wish had gone differently. My therapist often reminds me that I need to think the opposite way, and remember what I’ve been able to do and how far I’ve come.
Here’s my little exercise: The big things I’ve accomplished this year, and some more I’m hoping to do in 2023. I don’t like how much pressure there is in making resolutions, so they’re more like goals I’ve had for the last like 5 years and still haven’t totally reached.
In 2022 I:
Officially got my master’s degree and public librarian certification. I wasn’t perfect and it was a challenge, but I did it.
Got my first paying job, ever. This was something I wanted to do for a long time, but the timing was never right. I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t independent enough. It still feels crazy that I’m actually doing it.
Started seeing a therapist again. I go through periods where I don’t think I need therapy anymore and I know myself well enough to handle my feelings alone. It’s true that I’m self aware, but I still have a lot to unpack.
Acknowledged my mental health for what it is. I go through cycles of anxiety and depression, and it’s ok to need help with both. Taking an antidepressant doesn’t mean I’ve given up. I’ve also been able to stay resilient when facing things that probably would’ve crushed me in the past.
Started recognizing myself for who I really am. This one, I will admit, is a journey. There’s a huge difference between knowing “this is who I am” and actually like, being that person. Presenting yourself as that person. I know there’s no rush and it won’t be easy, but the first step feels like something that matters.
The list of things I want to accomplish in 2023 is a bit longer; I’m still very much in an in between, unsettled place, but I’m closer than I was at the beginning of the year. What I want to do next year is probably more like an extension of things I started in 2022 or even earlier.
Live independently. This has taken a long time, probably longer than it should have. I feel like I kind of hit the ground running and had to figure a lot out on the fly. Now that I’ve been able to prove exactly what I’m capable of, physically and emotionally, living by myself feels a lot less scary and a lot more attainable.
Choose how to spend my time. I don’t think I’ve actually ever had total control over this, to be honest. I’ve always had to make my decisions — where to go, what to do, who to be with — around other people and their schedules, and the idea of having so much more freedom is exciting but also kind of daunting. I almost don’t know where to start.
Express who I am more openly. It’s time to stop hiding parts of myself. It’s exhausting and only creates more anxiety and stress. I know if people don’t like it, that’s their problem and not mine. I think I’m going to take advice from Carrie Fisher and stay afraid but do it anyway.
Make more art. My creative side can be fickle, and right now it’s in more of an ebb than a flow. My energy is being used up in so many other places, but the fact that I’ve had to let my hobbies take a backseat makes me sad.
Treat myself better. I mean this is all the ways. Give myself patience when I’m feeling bad. Allow myself to feel all my emotions. Move my body more so I’m in less pain and less scared of getting hurt. Eat better and more of what I actually like, not just what’s convenient.